metanoeo

this is my second attempt at writing a reflection on passion ‘07. the fact that i wasn’t satisfied with my first attempt reveals the post-passion dilemma that i, along with others, am experiencing. you see, i am just realizing why it is so difficult to give an adequate answer to someone who asks, “how was passion?” if passion were only an event, i’m sure i’d easily be able to describe it. but passion wasn’t only an event. i don’t know what i’d call it. in fact, the experience of passion had nothing to do with the crowds or the spectacle; the “real” passion experience occured somewhere beneath it all, where we scarcely look. what was most “real” about passion was also what was most invisible.

“i have a new year, a new opportunity, a new slate. what will i do with these 365 days? one year from now i will be a junior looking for a graduate school. will i be ready? i trust that every moment God sends my way in 2007 i will be ready for. i want to squeeze out the potential of every opportunity for the glory of God and the good of my community. let it be that kind of year. let it start today.” it’s been fifteen days since i penned those words. fifteen days since that blue-skyed morning of anticipation. new years day i was filled with so much vision. i still am. though i have fallen, i will rise. passion has shaken my character, and i am no longer content with my heart posture. God pried my eyes open to see myself, and there was much i saw that i didn’t like. i am inward-focused, mis-prioritized, arrogant, cynical, cold, fragile, and insecure. though i sit in darkness, my God will be my light. passion has filled me with hope. remembering the scars of my past, unknown to most of you, reminds me of God’s incredible grace and mercy. sitting in darkness is nothing new to me. but today is a new day. today is not yesterday. though i have fallen, i will rise.

my goal is to become what i already am in Christ Jesus. Jesus has transformed my life and declared me a righteous, holy, resolute man. i don’t often act like it. i am only trying to live up to what i have already attained, but it isn’t easy. my ego is so strong. a light has shined on my soul, and i am laid bare, as ugly as i am. yet He calls me beautiful child? i don’t deserve this. yes, it is a free gift, His grace, His kindness, but my mind can’t even grasp how He could love this man. He must be a fool for wanting me.

God would want me?

me?

then He can take me, all my strength and all my frailty. let all be blazed away in the glorious light of His presence. decrease my weak, pathetic self and increase Your wholeness. may my weaknesses serve as avenues of light, to shine with Your brilliant strength.

i bear His mark now. i will not miss the point of it all. His pure desire is tattooed on my soul. fear or failure cannot damn me; i cannot be conquered by darkness. for i am more than a conquerer because of Him who loved me. Friends, i am broken, and i am so sorry for my overbearing, self-absorbed, arrogant attitude. my entire body is aching for a touch from Him. i thirst for change. Jesus has rescued me, He has transformed me, and I expect Him to continue this work. but the wind blows wherever it pleases. you hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. so it is with everyone born of the Spirit.

my sails are up, and the wind is blowing, but i do not know where i am going. reality is budding into full color; i feel the urgency of the moment and the uncertainty of my future. God asked me at passion to trust Him with my future, so i have. i have abandoned any hope of knowing where i am going. all i have is placed in His hands.

so now i ask you to be a part of this passion movement. prayer and action is required of me, but i feel so unqualified. Jesus has called me to plant a church in an urban area of some major city in the world. the city is unknown to me; that is a detail God asked me to trust Him with while i was at passion. yet i am unwavering in my decision to risk it all for the sake of those who want to know the real, living Jesus. i ask you join me in praying for my future wife; i am looking for a woman prepared to give her life to this mission, as i am prepared to do, but i feel that i am not the one to ask this of her. i pray that God would call her just as strongly as He has called me, and that she would respond with the clarity, urgency, and passion that I aspire to. i also ask you to join me in praying for the couple who will join my wife and i in the church plant, specifically the man who will become my barnabas (or my paul, depending on what is the better partnership). i have this unshakeable conviction that i will meet this man in the next few years, so i am praying for discernment and for focus in order to develop a healthy bond of friendship. third, i ask you to join me as i pray for God to give me a close brother for encouragement, accountability, and sharpening of character. i feel isolated; i don’t know why, but i need someone to pull me up when i fall and someone for me to pull up when he falls. i need a comrade in the faith. last, i ask you to pray with me as i seek avenues to use my God-given gifts. i am wasting them; i desire to use my gifts and talents for the honor of Jesus Christ and the good of my brothers and sisters, but i don’t know where or how. God, open a door. 

i don’t expect you to take up these requests with ardent devotion. these few paragraphs have only attempted to express the journey i have taken from passion ‘07. needs and desires have emerged, but i do not want you to feel responsible to pray for all of this. if the thought crosses your mind and you can say a quick prayer, i thank you for the care. if anything, i want this to inspire you to live a life only God could dream. He does, in fact, have a dream for your life. do you want to know it? do you truly desire for His dream to become realized today, tomorrow, for all of time stretched before you? then give up. push yourself downward, and He will lift you up. let the light in.

 ”let my life shine, come and make my heart shine. we’re gonna walk the world, and lift the Bread and Wine. let my life shine, come and make my heart shine. in a dark world, lift the Bread and Wine.”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 17th, 2007 at 12:58 am and is filed under following the Way, reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.